Yesterday, I was interviewed on local radio where I went through some tips
for women on how to have better relationships. I’m not a relationship
expert, but it seems clear to me that the most important relationship is the
one you have with yourself, & that all the rest spring from there. In this
article, I’ll reveal my top tips for women wanting to experience better
relationships (some of these apply to single women, & others to people
already in relationships. And some of them apply equally to men and women).
By the
way, any article about “the way women are” is going to be full of
generalisations, so before you email me telling me not everyone’s like this
– I know! It’s just a generalisation. But generalisations can be useful.
Also, I’ve written this from a traditional “heterosexual male / female”
perspective, but my guess is that many of the principles also apply in
homosexual relationships, where male & female can apply to the energies
people bring to those relationships.
1.
Decide what you want, & give yourself permission to have it
Be
specific about what’s important to you. Go for what you want, not what you
think you can get. It’s actually easier to get what you really want than
what you think you can get, because a) there’s usually less competition and
b) it’s easier to keep your motivation levels high.
2)
Figure out what’s been stopping you
Sort
out your limiting beliefs. We live in a society where women could be fooled
into thinking guys are only interested in supermodels & page 3 girls, but
this isn’t the case. (If you have any doubts, a quick perusal of the vast
array of internet pornography will demonstrate that “what men like” is a
much broader range then is promoted in the mainstream media). By the way,
the reason that such a narrow range of looks / shapes / sized etc is used in
mainstream is BECAUSE it’s such an ideal – it makes it easier to sell
products based on dissatisfaction. Having said that…
3)
Be yourself, and make sure it’s your best self
Accept
yourself exactly as you are. Know that you are enough. Then, commit to
becoming your best you & letting your authentic self out. For more info on
how to do this, check out this video from my recent men’s workshop,
Attracting Women from the Inside Out.
Click here to see the Video
4)
Know that you are OK
A
guy’s Achilles heel is approval. A woman’s Achilles heel is security. Know
that you are OK – that you don’t “need” a man in order to be OK, to be
secure. This puts you in a place of non-neediness. If you try to “trap” a
guy – it radiates insecurity (even if you’re “doing” the right things).
Worst of all, it may work!
5)
Don’t have sex with a guy until/unless you actually want to
The
enormous popularity of romance novels reveals something about the
“structure” of female sexuality. Yet in Western society, women learn a model
of dating & relationship that doesn’t square with how they’ve been designed
by evolution, & have been conditioned to believe they need to “catch” a man
in order to be secure. Its not that guys don’t respect a girl who has sex
with them on the first date - it’s that guys don’t respect a girl who
doesn’t respect herself. If you have sex with a guy because you’re afraid he
won’t like you if you don’t, that’s needy & telegraphs a lack of
self-respect. Don’t have sex with a guy unless or until you actually want
to.
6)
Life’s a sausage machine
My
amazing friend Richard Wilkins says that life’s like a sausage machine –
what you put in, you get out. If you put beef into a sausage machine, you
get beef sausages. If you put worry, fear, neediness & insecurity into your
relationship sausage machine, that’s the flavour of the relationship you’re
going to get. Get a sense of the sort of feelings you want to have in
relationship, then get into the habit of feeling them now.
If you
believe “all men are bastards”, you’re going to get bastard-flavoured
sausages.
People
say “I’ll be happy / joyful / relaxed / secure etc when I meet Mr/Ms right.”
But that’s not the way it works. Start feeling those feelings on a daily
basis, & you’ll attract the person who aligns with them. You get out what
you put in, so make sure you’re putting the right ingredients in your
sausages.
7)
Become a man-trainer
We
train people how to treat us & how to behave. Men crave approval. If you
want him to behave in a certain way, start complimenting him on the
qualities you want him to have. If you want him to be more considerate,
start finding any excuse to compliment him on how considerate he is. If you
want him to be pick up after himself, use even the most trivial
opportunities to tell him how impressed you are that he’s becoming tidier.
Focus on their good points & who you see them becoming. Treat them like you
would treat the person you see them being. Having said that, if you’re in a
dangerous / abusive relationship, leave. Let someone else housebreak them.
8)
Start living a fun, happy, interesting life now
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, be a happy person with an
interesting life. Don’t defer happiness onto men (I’ll be happy when I get a
guy…) Relationships are a lousy place to get something (but a great
place to co-create something). There’s nothing more attractive than someone
who is truly in love with themselves & their life. Funnily enough, in the
UK, the phrase “He really loves himself” is a putdown. This is mistaking
self-love for arrogance (the antithesis of self-love). But it’s OK to love
yourself – in fact, it’s an essential ingredient of a happy life & a happy
relationship.
9)
Do the best with what you’ve got.
Men’s
initial attraction switches are visual. I know you want him to see
you for who you really are, & not just the way you look, but you need to do
the best with what you’ve got to get him to the point where he’s enticed to
look beneath the surface. Accept & love yourself exactly as you are, then
take care of your health, fitness, clothes etc.
10) Raise your expectations
of others & yourself
If you
want to attract “higher quality” men, raise your expectations of them & of
yourself. Just like a guy who’s a couch potato will have to make some
changes if he wants to go out with “gym bunnies”, a woman who wants to find
a strong, mature, masculine man will need to demonstrate the qualities these
guys are looking for. Another will love you in direct proportion to how much
you love yourself & your life. Decide to fall in love with yourself & your
life, no matter what.
On
Thursday 10th July, I’m giving a free, two hour WOMEN ONLY
seminar called Better Relationships from the Inside Out, at the
Ramada Jarvis in Leicester, in which we’ll be exploring a variety of ways to
help you experience the kind of relationship you desire. There are only
18 free places left, so ring 0845 650 1045 to reserve your place now
or
book online here and avoid missing out.
On
Thursday 17th July, MEN ONLY program Attracting Women from the
Inside Out.
There are only 40 free places, so ring 0845 650 1045 to reserve your place now. There are only
xxx free places left, so ring 0845 650 1045 to reserve your place now
or
book online here and avoid missing out.
Have a
great week.
Best
wishes
Your friend
Jamie
Jamie Smart
director of training
jamie.smart@saladltd.co.uk
If you have found this tip useful, please share it with any friends,
family, colleagues and associates who you think will be interested. You are
welcome to reprint it (with copyright and subscription information) and
continue to enjoy the tips. I am always grateful for any comments,
criticisms or other feedback that you may have. Please send them to
jamie.smart@saladltd.co.uk
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