I hope you enjoyed the series on “self-care”. This week, we'll be exploring an approach you can use for getting what you want in situations where reason is unlikely to work. In this article, you're going to discover a simple & practical approach for turning potential opponents into allies.

I was in a restaurant the other day, & we wanted to move several tables together to create a single, large table for our party. As we started shifting chairs around, a waitress came over and told us we couldn't do it because it was against the rules. Before I had a chance to say anything, a well-meaning member of our group started arguing with the waitress, telling her we'd done it for the previous two days, we'd spent a lot of money with them, etc etc. As you can imagine, the more he tried to reason with her, the more determined she became that we couldn't have things the way we wanted.

It's easier to give forgiveness than permission

At a relatively young age, I discovered a powerful lesson: if you ask someone for permission, it's usually safer & easier for them to say “no” than to say “yes”. The rule of thumb for most people working in organisations is “if in doubt, say no” (whether the organisation's a restaurant, a business, a government etc).

So, I decided that, wherever possible, I would do what I wanted to do, & if someone kicked off about it, ask for forgiveness. This has worked well for me in most (but not all) instances. In those situations where it doesn't work well (like the one described above), I use an approach that was made explicit to me by my friend Johnny.

Locating their power source

When a person has a job as part of an organisation structure (like our waitress did), they often don't experience themselves as having much power. In fact, often the only power they perceive themselves to have is the power to say “no”. When someone starts arguing with them about something that's a matter of policy, it gives them an opportunity to feel powerful (something we all like), & “no” is the answer.

Whether they're working in a fast-food joint, an airline ticket counter, or on the door at a nightclub, people who work in highly rule-based / policy-oriented structures often don't feel a sense of power in their lives, & will use “No” as a way of feeling a sense of power.

The power in asking for help

Of course, there are other ways that a person can feel empowered – here's one. Instead of going head-to-head with someone, frame your interaction as “I've got a problem, & I'm wondering if you can help me with it?”

This is powerful, for several reasons:

1. It puts you temporarily “one down” to the other person – you need their help. This makes them feel in a more powerful position.
    

2. You're asking them for help, & as human beings, we tend to like opportunities to help others.
    

3. By saying “I'm wondering if you can help me with it?”, there's a very gentle challenge – after all, we'd all like to be the sort of person who can help another person. This will tend to put the person into a supportive frame of mind.
    

4. Overall, this gives the other person an opportunity to feel good about themselves.

This approach will work in all kinds of different situations. The key to doing it effectively is to put yourself into a genuine “help me” mode, then let the other person do their stuff.

At the restaurant, I had to go & sweet talk the waitress into taking good care of us, but all that could have been avoided if my colleague had used the “I have a problem” frame instead of the “I am a problem” one!

Have a great week, & an amazing 2009.

To your success!

Your friend

Jamie

Jamie Smart

Jamie Smart
CEO
jamie.smart@saladltd.co.uk

jamie.smart@saladltd.co.uk