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Jamie Smart’s NLP tip #24 Dealing with Difficult People, 18 June 2003
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Influence training The next NLP In-depth Practitioner training starts in October. This Week’s Tip Belinda Walsh asked “Any suggestions for maintaining resourcefulness when dealing with 'difficult' people eg people who arouse unhelpful responses in me such as submissiveness, irritation etc?” Great question Belinda. In one of the Carlos Castaneda books, Don Juan talks about a former boss who was a ‘petty tyrant’, forcing him to do unpleasant jobs, treating him unfairly, & generally bringing out feelings of anger, humiliation, resentment etc. Don Juan explained that this petty tyrant taught him more about himself than anyone else, on the basis that his feelings about the man were, on some level, feelings Don Juan had about himself; feelings he found so distasteful that he had to project them onto someone else (the petty tyrant.) Once he recognized this, he could accept these emotions as his own & go beyond them. Don Juan exhorted Castaneda to ‘kiss the feet of these petty tyrants’ as they present tremendous learning opportunities. Carlos was about as thrilled to hear this as you or I would be upon learning that someone who is annoying us deeply is actually our greatest teacher. Embrace your inner tyrant 1) Consider the possibility that the difficult person (DP) may be your teacher, & that what you find so difficult in them is actually a characteristic that you have within yourself (but may keep hidden away from the world.) Once you identify it within yourself, accept it – be OK with it. Then watch how things change with the DP. I have so many examples where there was something about another person that I just could not stand. At first I didn’t want to believe that they were just showing me aspects of myself, but you’ll be amazed at just how liberating this is. Now I’m working on being grateful to them for showing these things to me (I’ll let you know how it goes J) Every behaviour has a positive intention. I once had a boss who would always pick holes in the work I did. No matter how well I did the work, he would always find things he wanted changed. At first this really annoyed me, then I started learning NLP. I decided to decide that this was his way of letting me know he’d paid attention to what I’d done. From there on in, his behaviour was not as annoying (I also came up with the idea of giving him rough drafts rather than finished product, then I didn’t mind incorporating his ideas.) One of the presuppositions of NLP is that each behaviour has a positive intent, ie. it is purposeful. Another way of thinking of this is that anything someone does, they are doing because it achieves some goal for them, so… 2) Look for the positive intent in the other person’s behaviour. If you can’t find it (or don’t believe there is one) just make believe that there is a positive intent (eg. if there were one, what might it be?) Once you understand the person’s intention, it is often easier to stay resourceful around them. You will sometimes find that this gives you a whole new perspective on someone’s behaviour. Maintaining state Of course, maintaining state can be a matter of being in a good strong state in the first place. We do various things on practitioner training to help people maintain their state in difficult circumstances. One way we do this is to play a game where everyone takes turns trying to break someone’s state by getting them to laugh. In order to last more than about 10 seconds at this game (given the flexibility & ingenuity of the state-breakers) you have to get into a powerful, positive state & maintain it. 3) Use the principles of states & anchoring (see tips 10, 18 & 19 in the nlp tip archive) to build the powerful positive states you’d like to be in around this person, then anchor them. Then see yourself interacting with the person in the way you want too, while experiencing the positive states. 4) You can practice holding these states by asking a friend to try & break your state while you hold it constant. This can be a lot of fun! On our two-day Introduction to NLP, we learn powerful approaches for changing your responses in even the most difficult & stuck relationships, but they don’t lend themselves to an NLP tip format. Summary On dealing with difficult people… 1) Consider the possibility that the difficult person (DP) may be your teacher, & that what you find so difficult in them is actually a characteristic that you have within yourself (but may keep hidden away from the world.) Once you identify it within yourself, accept it – be OK with it. Then watch how things change with the DP. 2) Look for the positive intent in the other person’s behaviour. If you can’t find it (or don’t believe there is one) just make believe that there is a positive intent (eg. if there were one, what might it be?) 3) Use the principles of states & anchoring (see tips 10, 18 & 19 in the nlp tip archive) to build the powerful positive states you’d like to be in around this person, then anchor them. Then see yourself interacting with the person in the way you want too, while experiencing the positive states. 4) You can practice holding these states by asking a friend to try & break your state while you hold it constant. This can be a lot of fun! Next time Next time, we’re going to look at the area of protection. Until then, have fun & embrace your inner tyrant! best wishes, jamie PS. How would you like to learn NLP in a small group training where you get 1:1 attention from me? On our 2-day Introduction to NLP you’ll get the opportunity to really increase your skills & start getting more of what you want in your life. With us, you & your results count. jamie smart director
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