Jamie Smart’s NLP tip #14 

 Stopping the sabotage, 8 April 2003

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This Week’s Tip

Thanks go to Dawn Campbell who provided the suggestion for this week’s tip.  Her request was as follows:

 “I'd like to know how NLP could help with people who are defeatist or sabotage themselves.”

 I’ve just spent four days training with John Grinder, one of the co-developers of NLP.  At a certain point in the training, John drew the distinction between what he called ‘first-order change’ and ‘second-order change’.  He defined second-order change as a situation where the present state involved:

-         Addiction

-         Physical symptoms

-         Secondary gain (the ‘hidden benefits’)

He then defined first-order change as ‘everything else’.  Second-order changes are where a person could encounter what Dawn refers to as self-sabotage.  Some examples:

- going partying until 4am the night before an important job interview

- setting a goal of getting fit & healthy then eating pie & cake every night

- deciding to leave an unhealthy relationship, then not doing it

When a person’s behaviours are not in line with what they say they want, there are three main possibilities:

a)    They don’t really want it (ie. they’re not convinced of the benefits)

b)    They want it, but there are hidden benefits of the current state that will be lost.

c)     They want it, but don’t believe it’s possible/appropriate for them.

The power of WHY?

Apparently, in the early days of NLP, anyone who asked ‘Why?’ in response to a client statement would be clipped round the ear by Bandler or Grinder, on the basis that the ‘Why’ question prompted people to make up story to explain a certain behaviour (this was deemed not useful.)  The place that I’ve found the Why question useful is in establishing someone’s motivation for doing something.  Assuming that you have a clear idea of what you want (see How to get what you want - Part 1), ask…

 1)      “Why do you want this?  What will it get you?  What will it do for you?”

 Identify benefits of making the change you wish to make.  How much do you want them?  Is it worth the effort?  My experience with this is very straightforward: I will only put effort into something that I really want.  Now, you can juice up the experience by doing the following:

2)      Imagine that you are in that future situation enjoying the benefits of the change you’ve made.  See what you’ll see, hear what you’ll hear & feel what you’ll feel.  Make the colours bright & really experience it.

3)      Step out of the experience and see a picture of yourself in the future, enjoying the benefits of the change.  Make the picture big, bold & bright.

If at this point you are feeling motivated to make the change, great.  If not, do you really want it, or is it just something you think you should do?  If you don’t want to do it – don’t do it! (If it’s something you don’t want to do but have to, like pay taxes, there are NLP techniques for dealing with that.)

Assuming that you do want to make the change, check for secondary gain (the ‘hidden benefits’ of the current situation – see How to get what you want - Part 2.)

Once you’ve taken care of motivation & secondary gain, it’s time to check for belief. 

4)      Get someone to ask you the following questions: Do you want this?  Is this possible for you?  Do you know how to do this?  Do you deserve this? 

Ask them to watch & listen to you when you respond.  Does it seem like a congruent response (ie. like you really believe it) or are you unsure / incongruent.

If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, or if the ‘yes’ response is incongruent (eg. head shaking while saying yes), then there may be an issue of belief.  A simple way to start shifting beliefs is through using the good old new age technique of affirmations. 

5)      Create a first person present tense sentence containing what you are affirming, then say it to yourself in a positive & encouraging tone of voice (Eg. ‘I am supremely confident’, ‘I am fit & healthy’)

You may find that you have to say your affirmation a number of times before you really begin to start noticing differences, but they do work (plus, lots of people say horrible things to themselves lots of the time anyway, so you may as well start saying nice things to yourself in good tonality.)

NLP offers numerous techniques for rapid belief change, but they are beyond the scope of this tip.  If you wish to learn how to change beliefs rapidly, see our website for training details.

More advanced

Here’s one to stretch your flexibility.  Practice looking in the mirror & saying ‘I love you’.  If, when you do this, your statement seems obviously true & positive, great!  Do it twice a day forever.  If (as is the case for many people) it seems unbelievably syrupy & horrible, do it anyway.  Pretend that you mean it.  Keep on doing it for at least three weeks – you may be amazed at what starts to happen.  Once it seems obviously true & positive, great!  Do it twice a day forever.

Summary

Assuming that you have a clear idea of what you want (see How to get what you want - Part 1), ask…

 1)      “Why do you want this?  What will it get you?  What will it do for you?”

2)      Imagine that you are in that future situation enjoying the benefits of the change you’ve made.  See what you’ll see, hear what you’ll hear & feel what you’ll feel.  Make the colours bright & really experience it.

3)      Step out of the experience and see a picture of yourself in the future, enjoying the benefits of the change.  Make the picture big, bold & bright.

4)      Get someone to ask you the following questions: Do you want this?  Is this possible for you?  Do you know how to do this?  Do you deserve this? 

5)      Create a first person present tense sentence containing what you are affirming, then say it to yourself in a positive & encouraging tone of voice (Eg. ‘I am supremely confident’, ‘I am fit & healthy’)

Next time

I’m thinking of doing an introductory NLP teleclass, & would like to guage the level of interest.  This is just at the ideas stage, so please let me know if this is the sort of thing you might like.  Until next time, have lots of fun for no good reason J

best wishes,

jamie

PS. Are you already an NLP Practitioner or Master Practitioner who would like to get another perspective on NLP?  We offer a 1/3 discount on prac & master prac training if you already hold that certificate.  Our workshops are small group sessions over 20 days so you really get the opportunity to build your skills.  With us, you & your results count.

Just drop me a line at info@saladltd.co.uk if you would like further information or have a question.

jamie smart

director

info@saladltd.co.uk