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Every person has their own style of speaking, their own unique way of choosing the words and phrases that make up their verbal communications. When you can ‘speak their language’, it allows you to connect with them at a deeper level. While there are many factors which influence the words people use, one of the most significant relates to which of their five senses (sight, hearing, feeling, taste & smell) they are most aware of at any given time. One of the most simple, yet powerful discoveries in the domain of NLP is the realisation that the way that a person is thinking is revealed in the language they use.

People think using internal representations of their five senses. In NLP, these five ‘internal senses’ are referred to as representational (rep-) systems. If a person is primarily thinking in pictures (visual), this will be reflected in their language. They will use words like picture, imagine, focus, perspective etc, and may employ phrases such as "picture this", "look at it from my point of view" or "let’s get this in proportion." A person thinking mainly in sounds (auditory) may say things like sound, hear, ring, buzz, etc and may use phrases like "sounds good to me", "I hear you" or "that rings true". Other words and phrases point to feelings (the NLP term for this is kinaesthetics) such as feel, handle, or smooth; smells (olfactory) such as rotten, sour, or stale; tastes (gustatory) such as bland, sweet or spicy.

To review, the five rep-systems are visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, gustatory and olfactory (VAKOG.) Of these, V, A and K are the ones most often used. Examples of each include the following:

1) Write a few paragraphs about a recent pleasant experience (Eg. a holiday, party, film, day out etc.) When you’ve finished, go through it underlining words and phrases that have a sensory element (you can do the same with this NLP tip.)

While no-one uses only one sensory system in all their language, we often have a preference in a given context, and many people have a preference for one main system across many contexts.

When you speak to someone using language from the same rep-system as them, it gives them a greater sense of being understood. When you speak in language from a different rep-system to them, it is as though, in a subtle way, you are speaking a different language. Once you can identify the language that someone is using (VAKOG), you can respond using the same sort of words. This is one way of building rapport.

When you come across someone who you have difficulty connecting with, it may be that you are speaking from different rep-systems:

A: We need to talk about this some more.

B: Why? It all looks fine to me.

A: Something about it doesn’t ring true.

B: It’s as plain as the nose on your face – why can’t you see that!?!

A: You’re not listening to me! We’re just not singing from the same hymn sheet…

2) Pay attention to the sensory words that people are using. Make notes of the sensory words you hear.

There are many opportunities to track people’s sensory words, including watching TV, listening to the radio, chatting in restaurants or bars. My main training ground for this particular skill was sitting in previously dull meetings! It allowed me space to make notes next to people’s names and track their sensory words. I highly recommend this (and many other elements of NLP) as a way to transform formerly skull-numbing experiences into your own, personal neurological laboratory for finding out more about your fellow human beings. The great thing is that, as well as building your own skills and awareness, it also means that, when you do have something to say, it connects more powerfully with the person who you’re speaking to.

As you start to listen more carefully, you will begin to notice people using sensory-based words in almost every conversation. As you become more comfortable hearing these words and phrases stand out, you will start to see opportunities to match the sensory systems used by others, for example:

A: We need to have a closer look at this.

B: What do you want to zoom in on first?

OR

A: I want to get a handle on how we can push this forward.

B: It’ll be good to get it running smoothly etc…

3) In a low-risk situation, listen to the words that others use then match their sensory system by using words from the same system (VAKOG).

As you become more familiar with this process, some of the things people say will begin to leap out at you as opportunities to match their language preferences. You’ll notice yourself getting more clarity on the way people shift from one system to another, and start to get into harmony with other people more and more quickly.

The rep-systems and sensory words that someone is favouring from moment to moment are part of the process of their communication, while the subject they are talking about provides the content. People tend to be very focused on the content, and largely unaware of process… BUT… acting at the process level can have a powerful unconscious effect, such as establishing a deep sense of rapport – often a much more powerful effect than acting at the level of content can.

A quick yet powerful way to enrich someone’s experience is to pace them by matching their sensory words, then lead them to another rep-system. This can be particularly powerful if someone is in a ‘stuck’ state. By first observing which rep-system they are most focused on, and looking for ways to mirror that system, you can then begin to talk about things which allow them to listen in a new way by gently tuning them in to a new system. The effect of this can be profound – in some cases a person will even drop spontaneously into a trance, merely by getting in touch with a system that was previously out of awareness.

People use language based in their 5 senses. By matching their sensory words, you can establish a deep level of trust and rapport…

1) Write a few paragraphs about a recent pleasant experience (Eg. a holiday, party, film, day out etc.) When you’ve finished, go through it underlining words and phrases that have a sensory element (you can do the same with this NLP tip.)

2) Pay attention to the sensory words that people are using. Make notes of the sensory words you hear.

3) In a low-risk situation, listen to the words that others use then match their sensory system by using words from the same system (VAKOG).

best wishes,

jamie

PS. One of the fastest ways to integrate the powerful approaches of NLP is by training. Now, with me, I like to invest significant time immersing myself in training, while some people prefer to take it in bite-size chunks. Whatever your preference is, we offer trainings to meet your needs.